Too Hot to do Anything Other than Eat and Drink...

Boy, I'm just failing all over the place here. I keep meaning to post something but I have not lost any weight...well, really...and I am feeling less-than-inspired these days. There I go again ~ making excuses.

I weighed in at 158.4 yesterday. Aside from last month when I had the stomach flu, that's the lowest I've been since I started this blog. The funny thing is (not haha funny - but you know...) that I haven't been working out at all and I haven't really been watching what I eat either. I'm somehow maintaining the weight loss to-date, thankfully. People keep commenting that I look thinner but I have to assure them that alas, I am not. So for that, I am thankful too. I always say "better to look good than to feel good".

I don't know what it is about summer. Most people experience more weight issues/gain in the winter...particularly in MN (where I'm from) and other cold states. There's not much to do in the winter time there other than curl up with a good book and a big bowl of beef stew. I used to gain 10 lbs. every winter and then it would fall right off in the Spring once it started getting nice outside and I could leave the couch. Maybe I'm just experiencing the reverse in AZ. I'm not as active this time of year (too darn hot to be outside unless you're floating in the pool...and we all know how many calories THAT burns)...Then add the constant BBQs, margaritas, etc. etc. and it becomes a real challenge to lose weight (or even maintain) in the summer here. During the winter however, us Phoenicians become more active and the temptation to cool your core temperature with a Blue Moon (or several) dissipates.

I will say this though - even though I'm not losing, I haven't really gained either. I find that I am making better decisions now and that even when I eat something "bad", I eat less of it. Hey - that must count for something!

On another note, I'm back on the juice...er, Diet Coke. Not full-time, but I have had one or two a week. I can honestly say now that it doesn't seem to have an effect one way or another. I do crave sweets less though when I don't have that sugary aspartame coursing through my veins. I actually bought a 20 oz. bottle a few weeks ago, took 3 sips and threw the rest out. It tastes much more bitter now and I usually don't finish an entire can. Good news for my bones anyway.

Wrong Way Bozo

Okay, I'll be honest. I have been dreading writing this post for about a week now. Yes, I'm up a few EL-BEES but that's not really the reason for my dread. I am really embarrassed at this point at my apparent "falling off the wagon". I know every dieter has her ups and downs but I am in a true slump here. I used to be able to muster up enthusiasm at the prospect of starting anew and now it is fleeting, if it appears at all. I am up four-and-a-half lbs. since my last post. Yep, that's two-and-a-quarter lbs. per week...not an easy feat. I won't make excuses here because I have none. Yes, I ate and drank all kinds of naughty things over the long weekend and no, I didn't exercise (except for once). In my (attempt at a misguided) defense, I decided to kick my exercise plan up a notch and jog on the treadmill for 30 minutes rather than walking. By later that afternoon, I had serious hip pain. By the next morning, I felt so stiff I could barely walk and actually had to take two doses of Advil. Pathetic. Now that I think about it, my husband didn't seem all that surprised at how out of shape I really am. Curses.

I have felt really miserable physically these past few weeks. The more "junk" I eat, the worse I feel, yet I keep doing it. I'm like a robot who is pre-programmed to put fatty crap in my mouth. I consciously know (I actually THINK about it) before I eat that big ol' bowl of pasta (or whatever crap happens to be placed to my lips at the moment) that I will regret it...yet I do it anyway. And to make matters worse, I continue to eat it even when I'm full...as if finishing said meal will prove some kind of depraved point that I really am the world's most rebellious dieter. It's really maddening. Again with the self-sabotage. I mean really...seriously? I wish you could hear the loud sigh I just let out. That about sums it up people.

As for how to get back on track, I wish I knew. I guess tomorrow is yet another day. That's the good news. I promise you this though...no matter how futile my attempts to lose weight may be in the future, I will keep writing about it here - and with more consistency than I have these past couple of weeks (my computer really was down but is fixed now). Hooray!

Human Nature

Hey folks...sorry about my extended absence; my computer has been down for over a week. Hey, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Besides, it happens to be the truth.

I will start off with the positive. Thanks to my recent bout of stomach flu this week, I am down to 157. The bad and the ugly...I have been eating pretty crappy these past couple of weeks. Two weeks ago now, I went hiking with a friend. We had a frank talk about our weight loss struggles...T has lost over 40 lbs. towards her goal of 55 and is truly an inspiration to me. Like most mortals who lose weight, she has slipped a bit and gained a few back but is looking to re-motivate herself to reach her goal. Sound familiar? I told her I felt stuck and unmotivated. I told her I did not know how to get un-stuck and she, of course, sympathized. By the end of our hike, I felt re-energized and ready to get back on that horse (not eat it). We made a friendly bet too, that whoever could lose more weight in 2 weeks would treat the other to a pedicure. This Sunday those 2 weeks will be up and I have a bad feeling that her toes will benefit at my expense. T did spend last weekend at the US Open so my only hope is that she too, drank beer and ate fried food all weekend, thus putting us on a level playing field. To make matters worse, we went by our weight that morning, at which point I was at my lowest (although I'm down 1.8 measly lbs. since then). If not for my flu bug, I'd probably be UP four lbs.

I don't know where I lost my newly acquired motivation or how I lost it so quickly...but it seems I am truly stuck. For some reason, I've lost the will to lose weight at this point in time. Human nature sucks.

Being a Size 2 Does Not (Necessarily) = Happiness

As I said yesterday, I came across an article about Bachelorette Ali wanting to lose weight...15 lbs. to be exact. On last week's episode, she donned a bikini (see below) and I thought to myself at the time, she looks really good. Healthy. Confident. But not SUPER skinny as many women have tended to be in the past. I actually thought, now there's a girl who is an inspiration to all women in the sense that she's not afraid to show her body on national TV (and she's not a size 2).

The article stated...and I quote..."She’s a size 6 and not meant to be super tiny, but she wants to lose weight.” Okay, I realize by many peoples' standards in America (and elsewhere) that size 6 is not TINY but it's pretty dang small. I'm sure she weighs no more than 125 lbs. This struck me. I went to save the picture (to post it later) and when I clicked to save it, the word "fattie" actually came up as the title. WTH? When I went to look at the article again today, Hollywood Life (consider the source, I guess) had re-run the article and I found this picture:

Okay, I'm all for good health and feeling good about yourself through fitness and diet, but she looks great! And happy! Just another day in the life for us women... having our confidence shattered in the name of "beauty".

Misery Loves Company

So. Despite the fact that I don’t have much to report in-as-far as progress, I have been looking forward to writing this all week. I’ve just been crazy busy and frankly, more tired than usual. Could it be…oh, I don’t know…the hundred and ten degree weather here?! So sick of it already and summer’s barely even started. But I digress.

I am down to 158 as of this morning…God only knows how. Although I haven’t been counting calories for the past couple of weeks (maybe longer), I’ve somehow managed to maintain. I’ve consistently stayed between 159-161 the past several weeks. I do realize that my goal at this point isn’t to “maintain”…in case you’re wondering. But the way things have been going, I’m just glad I haven’t ballooned back up to 170. Feels like I should have. And now for my confession. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have had approximately 6 diet Cokes in the past 2 weeks AND I have only walked on the treadmill ONCE in the past 8 days (I did walk/run today for 30 minutes though). Sorry, that’s my strict Catholic upbringing rearing its ugly head.

On another note, I watched the new show Losing it with Jillian Michaels last week (I tivo’d it this week but haven’t gotten around to watching it yet). At any rate, although I think Ms. Michaels is WAY over the top, so many things she says resonates with me. Unlike the Biggest Loser, which I admit I have only watched about three episodes of during its entire run, her new shows focuses more intensely not just on the weight and exercise part of the equation, but on how these miserable people got to where they are. The family she visited was Italian and they were all significantly overweight, with the exception of the daughter who had had gastric bypass and was at a healthy weight now. The opening scene is of the family meeting with their doctor. She tells them that as obese as they are, they are at high risk for heart attack, heart disease, stroke…the list goes on. She reveals that the mom’s body fat is 56%. I didn’t even think that was possible. Throughout the show you find out that the couple had lost their first son a month after he was born with serious complications and they had never really grieved his death. The father refused to talk about it AT ALL to the mother, which in turn, left her feeling depressed and alone. He couldn’t even bring himself to buy a gravestone for the poor baby. Enter Jillian. She takes them immediately to their neighborhood gymnasium for some sweat-inducing agony. Within minutes, both the mom and the dad are ready to throw in the proverbial towel. Jillian screams at them. Their daughter screams at them. Finally they relent and run after Jillian telling her that they promise they will persevere if she’ll just give them another chance. There is a lot of counseling throughout the show, and by counseling I mean the family sitting around with Jillian crying and discussing their feelings. I cried through the whole damn show. I could relate to so much of what they said. And in the end, none of them felt worthy of good health. It really dawned on me as I was watching that the reason I probably stayed overweight so long is that I too, never felt like I was good enough to look and feel good about myself. My fat was literal padding to the outside world and to my emotions. Deep. When Jillian came back six weeks later (their goal was to lose about 50 lbs. each prior to the daughter’s wedding), they had all reached or exceeded their goals. Talk about motivation....

I also read a story about the Bachelorette today that really upset me…they actually called her fat even though she’s a size 6. Not cool. This is what makes girls and women in our society ultra-obsessed with dieting, plastic surgery, etc. I will write about it in the next day or two. Promise.

My AHA Moment

Okay, I’m finally almost back down to where I was two weeks ago (I weighed 159.2 this morning). Over the holiday weekend, I ate and drank many, many things that no self-respecting “healthy” person would. I had numerous beers (Berry Weiss…mmmm), strawberry shortcake (the cake was sugar free – I wasn’t paying attention to the label apparently but in my defense, I was in a bakery, not the diabetic snack aisle at Walgreens), a cheeseburger, French toast…the list goes on. AND to make matters worse, I only walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes ONE day last week. That means I did not meet my goal of “walking at least 30 minutes every day”. Far from it. I did, however, take the stairs every single day at work last week (an average of 4 times per day…in 4” heels, no less) and did 20 reps of reverse sit-ups and push ups one day, thank you very much. There you have it.

You know how I lament almost every week about the fact that I don’t understand why I sabotage my efforts all the time? Well, I think I finally figured it out. Okay, I didn’t figure it out ~ it was pointed out to me by a newcomer to my blog. Thanks J! “J” is a very analytical person. She has a way of separating herself from the underlying nonsense and taking things for what they are…it’s her job, after all…and she is very good at her job. At any rate, she works with our company and was in one day last week when the subject of my blog came up. She emailed me the next day saying she had read it and pointed out the following. J says, “When we talked this morning, we agreed that motivation is EVERYTHING (with that, all else is possible). So the trick is sustaining the motivation. It seems like the motivation to sustain the diet (aka lifestyle change) is different than the motivation to start the diet. To start a diet, I have to hit a point that I call ‘the limit of self-loathing.’ But this disgust goes away once I look a little less bloated. Then I need some other kind of motivation to continue (e.g. near-term event involving photos that will be shown in perpetuity). This doesn't last of course, so the overindulgent eating resumes...” It’s so simple…so true, yet I couldn’t connect the dots until now. Once I lost 15 pounds, I started feeling better about myself. My clothes weren’t tight anymore; I liked what I saw in the mirror, etc. so some of that “self-loathing” dissipated. Hence, I would start eating worse again. I’d think to myself…man, I look pretty good…one burrito can’t hurt. Bingo! If I was in a cartoon right now, there would totally be a light bulb above my head.

Now…how to motivate myself to CONTINUE eating right while I start to feel better about my body. Well, one BIG motivation is the fact that I have to endure wearing hideous clothes every day right now (most circa 2008, gasp!) and the few outfits that aren’t hideous, I’m forced to wear twice a week. Since I gave away my wardrobe (or at least most of it), I have pledged to “make due” until I lose another 30 lbs. and can restock my closet. That in itself should be a huge motivator. I mentioned the pictures we’re having taken in October…another motivator. I would love to have a picture of my husband and me where I don’t look like an oompa loompa (e.g. our wedding pictures) and a family picture I’d actually WANT to hang on my wall. In general, I would like to stop threatening anyone who points a camera in my direction. Other than that, I will have to dig down deep to find more inspiration to keep going down this road. It’s a long journey….like walking across America or “finding yourself.” It’s a journey that I hope ends at 130 lbs., like it should, and not with me taking a detour to a burger joint somewhere out in the boondocks.

The Ugly Truth

Sorry it's been a while. I really have no excuse other than to say that life sometimes gets in the way of my extracurricular activities...blogging being one of them. I am also sorry to say that I am up 3 lbs. from this time last week. Again, I have no excuse. I have been eating poorly, drinking cocktails and skipping the workouts. I am just in a funk and need to snap out of it NOW. I won't go into the gory details but here's a brief list of my indiscretions this past week: I ate TWO Hershey bars (shared them with my son but let's be honest, I ate most of them), three slices of frozen pizza on two separate occasions, chips and salsa, a piece of fried chicken, Coldstone and a bowl of ice cream at home another night. I also had at least 5 beers (most were not light either) and 3 vodka drinks.

As I just typed all the stuff I ate/drank last week, I feel sick to my stomach. Why oh why would I do that? Why is it such a struggle to continuously eat well? If I had eaten ice cream once and a slice of pizza, that would be one thing. But I ate crap every day last week and I can't for the life of me grasp why I would derail myself like that, especially when I was doing so well.

But I can't dwell on my "off" week. I will pick myself up, dust myself off and get going again. I have had an extremely difficult time getting up to walk this past week and have only been on the treadmill once. It is my goal for the rest of the week to walk for at least 30 minutes every day. That means tonight too since I "slept in" this morning. I did take the stairs this morning at work (we're on the 6th floor) and plan to take them the rest of the week as well.

Originally, my goal was to lose 40 (44 to be exact) LBS. prior to turning 40 next May. The deadline has moved up folks. I just scheduled a really great photographer (shout out to Laura @ Laura Winslow Photography) to take family pictures on October 24th. That gives me 5 months to slim down to my old, photogenic self...6 lbs. a month. I think that's doable and I'm happy to have an "event" to strive for.