Wednesday, June 2, 2010

My AHA Moment

Okay, I’m finally almost back down to where I was two weeks ago (I weighed 159.2 this morning). Over the holiday weekend, I ate and drank many, many things that no self-respecting “healthy” person would. I had numerous beers (Berry Weiss…mmmm), strawberry shortcake (the cake was sugar free – I wasn’t paying attention to the label apparently but in my defense, I was in a bakery, not the diabetic snack aisle at Walgreens), a cheeseburger, French toast…the list goes on. AND to make matters worse, I only walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes ONE day last week. That means I did not meet my goal of “walking at least 30 minutes every day”. Far from it. I did, however, take the stairs every single day at work last week (an average of 4 times per day…in 4” heels, no less) and did 20 reps of reverse sit-ups and push ups one day, thank you very much. There you have it.

You know how I lament almost every week about the fact that I don’t understand why I sabotage my efforts all the time? Well, I think I finally figured it out. Okay, I didn’t figure it out ~ it was pointed out to me by a newcomer to my blog. Thanks J! “J” is a very analytical person. She has a way of separating herself from the underlying nonsense and taking things for what they are…it’s her job, after all…and she is very good at her job. At any rate, she works with our company and was in one day last week when the subject of my blog came up. She emailed me the next day saying she had read it and pointed out the following. J says, “When we talked this morning, we agreed that motivation is EVERYTHING (with that, all else is possible). So the trick is sustaining the motivation. It seems like the motivation to sustain the diet (aka lifestyle change) is different than the motivation to start the diet. To start a diet, I have to hit a point that I call ‘the limit of self-loathing.’ But this disgust goes away once I look a little less bloated. Then I need some other kind of motivation to continue (e.g. near-term event involving photos that will be shown in perpetuity). This doesn't last of course, so the overindulgent eating resumes...” It’s so simple…so true, yet I couldn’t connect the dots until now. Once I lost 15 pounds, I started feeling better about myself. My clothes weren’t tight anymore; I liked what I saw in the mirror, etc. so some of that “self-loathing” dissipated. Hence, I would start eating worse again. I’d think to myself…man, I look pretty good…one burrito can’t hurt. Bingo! If I was in a cartoon right now, there would totally be a light bulb above my head.

Now…how to motivate myself to CONTINUE eating right while I start to feel better about my body. Well, one BIG motivation is the fact that I have to endure wearing hideous clothes every day right now (most circa 2008, gasp!) and the few outfits that aren’t hideous, I’m forced to wear twice a week. Since I gave away my wardrobe (or at least most of it), I have pledged to “make due” until I lose another 30 lbs. and can restock my closet. That in itself should be a huge motivator. I mentioned the pictures we’re having taken in October…another motivator. I would love to have a picture of my husband and me where I don’t look like an oompa loompa (e.g. our wedding pictures) and a family picture I’d actually WANT to hang on my wall. In general, I would like to stop threatening anyone who points a camera in my direction. Other than that, I will have to dig down deep to find more inspiration to keep going down this road. It’s a long journey….like walking across America or “finding yourself.” It’s a journey that I hope ends at 130 lbs., like it should, and not with me taking a detour to a burger joint somewhere out in the boondocks.

1 comment:

  1. I am digging this blog and I love, Love, LOVE your candidness and brutal honesty. I'm planning on going the same route as you are (though not quite ready to say how much I weigh) this coming Thursday. The kicker was when a guest to our office asked me the other day when I was due. Major gaff on his part, but shame on me for looking like I'm pregnant to begin with. Anyway, I will continue to visit your blog and find inspiration.