Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Ugly Truth

Sorry it's been a while. I really have no excuse other than to say that life sometimes gets in the way of my extracurricular activities...blogging being one of them. I am also sorry to say that I am up 3 lbs. from this time last week. Again, I have no excuse. I have been eating poorly, drinking cocktails and skipping the workouts. I am just in a funk and need to snap out of it NOW. I won't go into the gory details but here's a brief list of my indiscretions this past week: I ate TWO Hershey bars (shared them with my son but let's be honest, I ate most of them), three slices of frozen pizza on two separate occasions, chips and salsa, a piece of fried chicken, Coldstone and a bowl of ice cream at home another night. I also had at least 5 beers (most were not light either) and 3 vodka drinks.

As I just typed all the stuff I ate/drank last week, I feel sick to my stomach. Why oh why would I do that? Why is it such a struggle to continuously eat well? If I had eaten ice cream once and a slice of pizza, that would be one thing. But I ate crap every day last week and I can't for the life of me grasp why I would derail myself like that, especially when I was doing so well.

But I can't dwell on my "off" week. I will pick myself up, dust myself off and get going again. I have had an extremely difficult time getting up to walk this past week and have only been on the treadmill once. It is my goal for the rest of the week to walk for at least 30 minutes every day. That means tonight too since I "slept in" this morning. I did take the stairs this morning at work (we're on the 6th floor) and plan to take them the rest of the week as well.

Originally, my goal was to lose 40 (44 to be exact) LBS. prior to turning 40 next May. The deadline has moved up folks. I just scheduled a really great photographer (shout out to Laura @ Laura Winslow Photography) to take family pictures on October 24th. That gives me 5 months to slim down to my old, photogenic self...6 lbs. a month. I think that's doable and I'm happy to have an "event" to strive for.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Good Riddance

For the last few posts I’ve been talking about how big my clothes are. Yes, they were still somewhat wearable…my pants weren’t around my knees or anything...but last weekend I discovered that I could pull down my jeans without unbuttoning them and my shirts were all starting to look like throwbacks to Flashdance. So I decided to take the plunge and give most of my wardrobe away to a friend. I got rid of almost everything (with the exception of t-shirts and a few sundresses, etc.)…even gave her some winter duds that I know will be WAY too big by the time they’re back in season in AZ. There’s no turning back now. When I told my mom she said, “Maybe you should’ve held onto them…just in case” to which I replied, “no, no, no, no, NO!” I will never be that weight again ~ trust me. So I went to Target (where else does one buy cheap, disposable clothes?) and got myself THREE pairs of drawstring linen pants in - WAIT FOR IT - size MEDIUM and a pair of size 10 jeans. I have bought exactly one pair of size 10 pants in the last several years and I have to believe they just ran big. It's these little milestones that keep me going, kids.

I never get that. You hear about people losing 80 lbs. or 100 lbs. or even more and then gaining it all back. And although I’ve gained back lost weight many, many times, we're talking about 15 or 20 lbs. – not 100! It seems implausible; like if you gained back 10 you’d say to yourself “self - this is not good…must start diet again”. Maybe that is the real difference between “dieting” and permanently changing your eating/drinking habits. If you start eating pizza and tacos for every meal again, you will gain it back. As I’ve said before, so much of losing weight is a state of mind. I'd argue that at least 85% of it is mentality. If you’re not “ready” mentally to lose the weight, you won’t…at least not long-term. You can do the "work" but you won't make it for the long haul and you won't keep it off. I think that’s why losing it slowly and still indulging here and there helps to really ingrain good eating habits into your daily life and keeps you from falling off the wagon and doing irreparable damage later.

Speaking of indulging – I did enjoy a few adult beverages last Saturday night. I had two Leine's Summer Shandys and a vodka soda. Now for the (really) bad part. I made a Tombstone pizza and ate half in my muddled state. When Sunday morning rolled around, I had a massive headache. That’s what happens when you drink as little/rarely as I do. I was over at my parents’ house in the pool and all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew what I had to do. I don’t keep soda in my house anymore (for good reason) but the 'rents do. I had a Pepsi Max (no calories, no sugar). No kidding. It really helped my headache and it was nice to drink something other than water or carbonated water for a change but I also found it sickly sweet and didn’t even finish the whole can. There you go. I feel much better having confessed my sin - as usual. I wanted a Diet Coke yesterday (here we go again…) but didn’t have one. And I know I won’t have any again for a long time…or at least for the foreseeable future.

Was down to 159 today. Like I said, slow but steady.

Friday, May 14, 2010


Well, I finally hit my short-term goal...dropping below 160. My weigh-in this morning revealed the lovely number of 159.8! This means I am officially the thinnest I have been in about 10 years...maybe even 12! I couldn't be more surprised! After my big "cheat" day the other day, I expected it to take another week and I was feeling pretty depressed about that. It is just not fun losing weight, gaining it back and then having to re-lose it again the next week. I'm sure many of you can attest to this.

I ate really well yesterday though - stayed at around 1,000 calories. I didn't walk on the treadmill last night as I hoped to...it just got too late once the kiddo was in bed. At any rate, before bed last night I thought, I'll just weigh myself quick. I know that weighing yourself at night (when you usually weigh the most) goes against all logic but sometimes I do it anyway...just to see how much I'll lose by the next morning or to motivate myself for the next day. Sometimes I'm just curious to know how much I've gone up that day as a result of the hamburger I ate for lunch. Stupid...I know. But I'm sure all you "dieters" out there can relate...sometimes you just get obsessed with the scale. Sometimes I weigh myself 3 times a day - just for fun. So anyway, I get on and it says 159.8. I try to contain myself. I feel shock and disbelief. I immediately picture my future self in size 4 jeans. I go downstairs and calmly tell my husband the magic number, adding "IF it's accurate". Now there's really no reason my scale wouldn't be accurate - it's brand new. But I am having some difficulty comprehending the numbers at certain times. For example, yesterday morning I weighed 162.2 and I thought GREAT - now I get to re-lose the same pound and a half again this week/end! Then last night - 159.8. WTH?? How can I go DOWN that much during the day?! My friend at work tells me it's absolutely possible. She says that sometimes "it just takes time to catch up with you". I guess I can buy that.

I walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes this morning (even though I had planned to do an hour) and weighed myself again before my shower. Still said 159.8. I'll be damned! I guess the thing IS working. I told my husband YET AGAIN this morning and he replied, "I know...you told me." I'm just so excited! I've told anyone that will listen today...it's a BIG deal!

Note to self: Do not watch cooking shows while walking on the treadmill.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

My Birthday (Food) Hangover

1.the disagreeable physical aftereffects of excess

Okay...as some of you know, yesterday was my birthday. Two weeks ago now, I planned lunch out with a friend and happy hour after work with some girlfriends. I never made a conscious decision to take the entire day off from "dieting" though until I woke up yesterday morning. The day did not start on a good note. I woke up too tired to work out and decided I'd let myself sleep in...after all, you only have one birthday a year right? In the shower that morning, I suddenly thought...hmmmm....a Starbucks coffee and one of their old-fashioned doughnuts (my favorite) would just start the day off perfectly. Unfortunately, I had such a stomach ache by the time I was near a Starbucks that I skipped it. Fate?!

So lunchtime rolls around and my friend asks where I want to go - "anywhere" she says..."my treat". Well, if I'm going to cheat, I might as well go for the gold...so I choose Teepee...my favorite Mexican restaurant. I'm so hungry from missing breakfast because of my tummy ache that I proceed to eat half the bowl of chips slathered in their amazing salsa. I order two sour cream enchiladas and rice. Back in the day...before I was eating healthy, I often thought that two of these babies was just too much. I'd be full all afternoon...like miserably full. But I ordered two anyway telling myself that I would not get to eat this again for a VERY LONG TIME. I guess I am a glutton for punishment...what can I say? By the time we get back to the office, true to past experience, I am miserably full. So full that when happy hour rolls around at 3:30, the thought of having a drink is not even pleasant in the least.

I get to happy hour and order a raspberry lambic, one of my favorite beverages. It's kind of like a cross between a beer and red wine - malt liquor. My girlfriends order a pub board that has soft pretzels, cheese, nuts, etc. I have to try one piece of the pretzel with a little cheese...it looks so good. I am still full (although I'm not miserable at this point). Then I order another raspberry lambic. All in all, happy hour is not a disaster. Like it really matters at this point anyway. I probably ingested 2,000 calories (or more?!) at lunch.

After happy hour I pick up two thin crust gourmet pizzas for my birthday dinner with my family. And 9 mini Tammie Coe cupcakes (my absolute fav). I eat a piece and a half of the margherita pizza (it was cut really small though). Then I have one mini cupcake and a couple of bites of my son's. Oh, and some of my dad's frosting. He scooped most of it off - just wrong.

All day yesterday and last night I felt bloated and gross. I woke up this morning still feeling that way. If there is such a thing as a food hangover, I definitely had one. I haven't worked out yet today but hope I will muster up the energy to walk on my treadmill tonight. You see, I'm not a morning person AT ALL and 5:30 a.m. is just tough for me...although God knows I really try. I had an internal tug-of-war this morning about whether to weigh myself or to just wait a day or two when I've had the chance to try to minimize some of the damage. I'm sure you already know what I did. Yep, I weighed myself anyway...couldn't help it. Now for some strange and totally unrealistic reason I half expected the scale to go up like 4 lbs. It went up 1 since yesterday morning.

I hope I learned a lesson here. Gluttony is one of the deadly sins for a reason. And if that's not enough, it's just not worth feeling yucky for a day and a half.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Up and Down

I’ll try not to let my bloated stomach dictate the tone of this post...but it won’t be easy. My stomach sticking out is a huge reminder (pun intended) this afternoon of how much I’ve botched my diet this past week. This brings me to the subject I want to write about now. I believe it was back in the first post or two that I talked about knowingly sabotaging yourself. This is something that’s been a consistent theme for me throughout my weightloss quest and has resurfaced again this week. I have been making excuses…e.g. retirement party, company over, Mother’s Day, birthdays…the list goes on. I have been ignoring my inner voice again and again in favor of cake, pizza, nachos, beer, etc. Why?? I know that after I eat this crap, the scale will tip the wrong way but I do it anyway and I really cannot for the life of me grasp why. Do I want to stay overweight? Do I just not care? Am I afraid of succeeding? I don’t know the answer here folks. If you do, please fill me in.

I was up 3 lbs. yesterday morning. I really did have a fun weekend and considering what I all ate and drank, it could’ve been much worse. Thanks to a healthful diet yesterday and walking on my new treadmill nearly every day since I got it (okay – I didn’t at all over the weekend but I wasn't feeling well), I was back down today. I now have just 2 more ounces to go until I reach that “summit” I talked about last week. I plan to reach it this week – no excuses.

Although I’m only down 13.5 pounds since I started this blog about 7 weeks ago, I am down almost 25 from my heaviest weight a couple of years ago. There is some part of me that says 25 lbs. is so great and I should just be happy at my current weight. I think this is the part of me that just wants to eat junk and drink diet Coke again. I will not listen to these voices. I am determined to make it much, much further.

As I said before, I’ve been getting a lot of compliments lately – “you look great!” or “wow – you have lost so much weight!” to which I always respond (I am terrible with compliments...always have been), “yeah, but I still have 30 lbs. to go.” People generally respond to this by saying, “30 lbs? You can’t possibly lose that much more…you’ll be a stick”. I reassure them by letting them know that losing another 30 lbs. would put me in the average range for my height (see horrible obesity scale here). In fact, it puts me closer to the high end of what I should weigh according to the American Health Association.

On a positive note, my clothes feel like they’re getting bigger and bigger (despite the fact that the scale isn’t going down all that quickly). I’ve almost given away all my pants and quite a few shirts about 5 times this past week. Unfortunately none of my friends seem to be a size 12/14 or they could inherit a pretty nice wardrobe right about now. I am waiting a bit longer though as I can’t possibly afford to replace my wardrobe once, much less twice. I suppose I could go out and buy a bunch of stretchy Mumu’s…always a popular choice for AZ in the summer...but somehow I don’t think that would go over well in my place of employment.

I will end by saying that tomorrow is my birthday - read BIRTHDAY HAPPY HOUR. Hopefully I won't have to re-lose all this weight again next week but I can't make any promises...life is meant to be lived.

Monday, May 3, 2010

I'm baaaaack.....

Sorry it's been a while...daily life as a full-time mom and corporate slave certainly takes its toll - some weeks more than others...and this was just one of those weeks. Anyway, I'm back and I've brought my positive attitude with me as promised! I'm happy to report that I have made some progress again and have lost another 2 lbs. For the first time since I started this lifestyle change, I actually 1) believe that's really what it is (I'll go over the evidence in a minute) and 2) am starting to notice some positive changes in myself. I'll start with #2. I'm down a total of 12.4 lbs. in the past 6 weeks and as you know, although the first 10 lbs. fell off quickly, I've been kind of stuck since then. Because I lost the first 8 lbs. in nearly the first 2 weeks, my pants have been sagging in the butt for a month now. I vowed not to buy any new "transitional" pants until I lose another 10 lbs. or until my pants fall down, whichever comes first. At any rate, I walked by a mirrored building today (one that I visit on a somewhat frequent basis) and as usual, I glanced at my reflection. I happen to be wearing a dress today (I'm challenged right now in the area of britches as I mentioned...so I'm much better dressed these days) and for the first time in a very long time (probably 8 or 9 years) I actually wasn't put off by what I saw. That's the best I can describe it. For once I didn't say to myself, "OMG your a$$ is huge" or "your stomach is sticking out past your boobs"! I looked and thought "you are STARTING to look really good". There wasn't anything that negative that jumped out at me, which felt nice. Hey, baby steps. I'm starting to feel like I have a flatter tummy and like I look thinner in the face (several people have actually told me that recently) too.

Okay - regarding reference #1 above - dieting is a difficult word all around. It's difficult to mentally process, it's difficult to do and it's just an evil word that hangs over your head willing you to fail. A "diet" is something that is temporary. It says that you cannot eat anything fried ever again - at least until said diet is over. At which point you can eat whatever you want again with the understanding that you will gain back any modest amount of weight (plus more usually) that you lost on your "diet". I finally believe that this new way of eating has become a lifestyle change for me. I still haven't had a sip of soda and it's becoming second nature to grab a bottle of water or order it in a restaurant. In addition, I am still eating "bad" things here and there...which may sound negative but is really a positive thing. I know what you're thinking...."Girl needs to eat...She's losing her mind!" but I can assure you that I'm right...or at least this is the right thing for me. I've had one or two people (I won't mention any names) come down on me for that. One friend said that I should NEVER EVER EVER have pizza. Well, first...she obviously has much more willpower than I do and second, I don't want to live a life where I can't have an occasional slice of pizza. I honestly believe that you can still lose weight even if you eat a handful of potato chips and a scoop of ice cream here and there...as long as 95% of the time, you're eating well. And I'm living proof. I may not be losing it as quickly as I'd like or as fast as others do, but I can't worry about them. I have to focus on what works for me and what will make my weight-loss successful. And for me...not feeling deprived all the time goes a long way to that end. Besides, I'm still losing at a steady pace and if I only lose two pounds a week, I'm okay with that. Not depriving myself of everything all the time will ensure that once I lose the weight, I will have the mindset to keep it off...and let's face it, that is another animal all together. When I first started eating more healthfully, my dad said to me, "That's the thing about these 'diets'...will you ever be able to eat normally again"? Normally? I thought about that. I said, only half believing it at the time, "Well...yes. But instead of eating a bowl of ice cream I will have a scoop. And instead of eating a bag of chips, I will have 4". And the good news is...once you've gotten used to eating healthfully, even for a short while...you crave less junk and four potato chips is enough.

I had friends over Saturday night for drinks and appetizers. I won't go into the boring details of what I ate and drank (I'm pretty sure that part of this blog may have lulled readers to sleep in the past) but I will say it was not a "healthful" evening. I had two vodka drinks and a few really unhealthy apps...but only a few. BUT...the next day I had fruit, salad and cottage cheese...despite the fact that my family had burgers on the grill - my favorite thing. And that's what progress and lifestyle change is in the dieting arena...only eating a little bit of the bad things and only once in a while, taking responsibility for it when you do and getting back on track the next day. That, my friends, is the definition of living a healthful lifestyle...everything in moderation.

On a side note, I bought a treadmill this weekend and walked on it for the first time this morning for 40 minutes. I'll keep you posted (obviously...duh) but I hope this helps kick my weight loss back into gear! It's my goal to be down two more pounds by Saturday morning...at which point I will weigh less than I have in the past 10 years or so. When I've lost weight in the past (and gained it back), I never got below this magic number. It will be like reaching the first summit on the climb up the mountain. I can't wait to finally make it to the top of that summit...and to celebrate with a diet coke!

Just kidding.