A little background, please....

This isn't going to start out like your regular weight-gain story. Contrary to most dieting profiles I've read, I was not overweight until well into adulthood. I started out as a skinny kid. I ate Oreos, Doritos, pizza...whatever I wanted and was naturally thin. I credit this to my youth and all the time we spent playing outside - riding bike, kick the can, sledding, you name it. I ate poorly (maybe not so much poorly as just not "clean". We ate meat and potatoes every night, pancakes for breakfast, ordered a lot of take-out...) but I maintained my slender body until sometime after college (I wore a size 2 when I graduated).

At some point in my early 20's, I started taking Depo Provera (the birth control shot) and this was what was, in my mind at least, the beginning of the end. Weight gain is a common side effect of DP and although my doctor warned me I might gain 5 or 10 lbs., which I probably could've lived with, I gained 30. In 3 months. When I went back in, he said, "in a small number of women, weight gain can be substantial. I guess you're just lucky enough to fit into that category." And then, and I remember this distinctly, he smiled. Nice. Well, needless to say, I never got another shot but by then substantial damage had been done.

A year or two after the DP debacle, I got a desk job, ate many late dinners out (what single, 20-something doesn't right?) and the rest is history. Which brings us to now. Nearly 15 years later, I am happily married, have a two-year-old son and still have that desk job. And here it is - something so ugly I can barely admit it to myself...but in the name of cleansing and liberation I'm going to say it here - I weigh 174 lbs. Gulp. I have never told anyone except my husband that number - not my sister, not my best friends. Yes, I'm on the verge of tears typing this but I'm sure I'll feel relieved to have gotten that off my chest soon....hopefully in the very near future.

I have attempted many half-a$$ed diets in the past and I won't go into the boring details (but among them are Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers and many attempts at "just eating right") but suffice it to say, I have never lost more than 15 or 20 lbs. and I always gained it back eventually. I have gone through all the emotions - self-loathing, denial, telling myself I am happy at this weight....all of them. And you know what, sometimes I have been happy overweight. I met my husband weighing about 10 lbs. more than I weigh now, I married him, I had an awesome pregnancy which resulted in an awesome child and generally, I do feel pretty. But deep down I have wanted to be thin for a long time. I want to wear a bathing suit without seeing all my rolls reflected in the sliding door...I want to wear designer jeans....I want more energy and less weight on my poor knees.

Why chronicle all this you ask...for the world to see?? Because I hope that by doing so I will increase my chances of achieving my weight-loss goal (44 lbs.) and if I can help or inspire people along the way....(or even make them laugh) it will have all been worth it. Plus I love to write so this is strangely cathartic for me on many levels.

Stay tuned to hear about the "cleanse" diet I started yesterday in the name of jump-starting my weight loss. I am way too emotional (just had an breakdown, with tears and everything, when my husband came in and asked "why are you doing this blog?") just now to fill you in. Plus I have low blood sugar.